


this tainted love

by amemorymaze



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Except u know the girls, F/F, Girl Direction, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-28 20:02:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6343279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amemorymaze/pseuds/amemorymaze
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“The band,” Zayn clarifies, “I don’t regret leaving the band. But you –”</i>
</p><p> </p><p>  <i>She looks up at the sky, at the stars twinkling above them and just breathes.</i></p><p> </p><p><i>“I regret leaving you.”</i><br/> </p><p>or, it's been a year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this tainted love

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently this is what happens when you're terrified of flying and have to fly alone and spend the time writing whilst listening to that would be enough on repeat. Also, the titled is adapted from fool for you because Zayn wrote a whole album about Louis :) 
> 
> Thanks to Tink for pointing out all my mistakes and being a gem xo

_“let me be a part of the narrative in the story they will write some day, let this moment be the first chapter where you decide to stay”_

+

The world stands still around her as she sits on the edge of the old lock wearing a too thin jumper and too ripped jeans. She watches as the reflection of the moonlight in the water below her ripples; distorting the image when she flicks small stones into it.

With her black jeans rolled up to her ankles and her feet dangling off the edge of the lock, her toes graze the surface of the cold, dark water below. Her fingers grasp at the grass underneath her hands, pulling it from the ground and shredding the plant with her painted-black fingernails.

She doesn’t even wonder why she came; she knows exactly why. She could never resist the draw and the lingering feelings that spark in the back of her mind whenever she’s reminded or she remembers.

Shivering despite the lack of a breeze, she sucks in a deep breath that hitches slightly in her throat and she doesn’t know whether it’s from the cold or her heart.

“Hey,” a voice comes from behind her, startling her from her thoughts. Although she doesn’t even have to look to recognise who it’s come from, she turns around anyway.

Her short hair flicks into her eyes and as she brushes the fringe off of her face, she replies, voice just as quiet and just as timid: “Louis.”

She stands there with her long, brown hair falling down past her shoulders, her fringe falling down into her downcast eyes. The maroon tour hoodie she’s wearing has it’s sleeves pulled down over her hands making only the ends of her fingers visible.

With her posture tense and unsure, she looks timid, almost. Vulnerable is how Zayn would describe her aura and the realisation makes her heart skip a beat.

“Zayn,” Louis mutters as she walks closer, shoes crunching on the stones underneath until it’s just grass. She slips her Toms off before sitting down carefully next to Zayn, legs crossed with her feet tucked underneath her.

She’s facing Zayn ever so slightly but it’s enough for her to notice. Their knees are brushing ever so slightly, Zayn’s bare knees touching the rough material of Louis’ jeans.

Turning back to the water, Zayn flicks another stone into the water, waiting for the ripples to fade away before she sneaks a glance at Louis.

Louis’ piercing blue eyes are dimmed slightly from the reflection of the moon. The same moon that's reflected in the water. But she holds herself as she always has, despite the vulnerability in her shoulders and her eyes, Louis’ small, strong body and mind is what keeps her standing. They’re so close and Zayn aches for the chance to reach forward and just touch; to make sure she’s real.

“I was so angry,” she says eventually. Her voice is quiet but it still bounces across the water and the stillness of the air. Her eyes are cast down and away from Zayn and she’s so hunched in on her herself and so apologetic. “For such a long time.”

“Me too,” Zayn says, the raw honesty in her voice surprising her. She fiddles with another blade of grass. “I was so mad at you, Louis.”

“I didn’t get it. None of it. You just left and I couldn’t understand it; couldn’t wrap my head around it. It was like I’d lost you and I didn’t know how to find you and get you back.”

“It was like – something just broke, y’know? And you weren’t there. None of you were there and I really needed you.”

Louis inhales sharply but before Zayn can say anything, she pushes her hair from her face and pushes up the sleeves of her hoodie. “I needed you, too, and I don’t think you understood that either. You just left and I – I didn’t know what to do.”

She doesn’t know why they’re doing this now, at a lock in the outskirts of Bradford. It’s early spring and the air is still cold and they’re here. Together. Zayn wonders if it’s even real. If she smoked too much and made it all up in her head.

“We really fucked up, didn’t we?” Zayn manages, letting Louis lift her hand and brush away the tears. “I’m –”

“Don’t apologise,” Louis says in a firm voice; “Please don’t. I’m not…”

Louis trails off and flicks a stone into the water. The world moves for a second and their little bubble deflates as the stone sinks into the water with a plop and the wind picks up for barely a second. She takes a breath before continuing. “I’m not ready to apologise.”

Zayn blinks and she drops the shredded blade of grass into her lap. It’s silent for a beat too long and she’s fumbling with the words in her head, not wanting to say the wrong thing, never wanting to say the wrong thing.

“Let me explain,” Louis says, reaching across slowly as if expecting to be pushed away. She brushes the pieces of grass from Zayn’s lap. “You deserve more than an apology that I make just because I want you back in my life. No matter how heartfelt and honest that may be, you deserve an apology where I understand what I’m apologising for. It wasn’t as simple as I made it out to be in my head and we both know it.”

Zayn feels the breath evaporate from her lungs and her stomach lurch as it hits her, once again, what she almost lost. What she came so close to losing. She wonders just how she survived all this time without Louis beside her.

This is one of Zayn’s favourite thing about Louis, perhaps. The way that she can admit to her own faults and take control of a situation, whatever it may be. She’s stubborn in a way Zayn could never be. Strong-headed, clear willed and utterly beautiful inside and out.

“It really wasn’t,” Zayn breathes out in the end. She doesn’t spill her heart, doesn’t recite poems. It’s not the time nor place. Instead she inches her hand ever closer to Louis’. “I want to apologise though.”

Louis stays silent with barely the rustling of leaves to be heard around them and as the water stays still in front of them, Louis doesn’t move her hand away. There’s the barest of touch from their pinkie fingers.

“I wanted to be enough for you,” Louis says, blinking away tears. “I just wanted to be enough.”

“Louis –” Zayn starts but her voice trails off.

Wiping the tears that have started to fall from her eyes, Louis continues anyway: “I wasn’t enough and I’m okay with that, Z. I promise, I am. It took me a while, but – I’m here aren’t I.”

“You’re here,” Zayn confirms, before shaking her head slightly. “It wasn’t you – ”

“Don’t finish that sentence, I swear,” Louis says and without even looking Zayn knows there’s a sad smile on her face.

“It’s kind of true though isn’t it?” Zayn says, finally grasping Louis’ fingers, twining their hands together. “It wasn’t you; you’ve always been enough for me. It was the band and it was me. It was my head. I wanted to feel the same about it as the rest of you girls but I just couldn’t. It hurt so bad, Lou. I just wanted to stop.”

Louis doesn’t say a word, just tightens her grip on Zayn’s hand.

“I handled it badly, I know,” Zayn mutters, reaching up and tugging gently at a lock of Louis’ hair causing her to close her eyes. “So many feelings got caught up in the mess in my head and people got hurt and I regret that so much.”

“But you don’t regret leaving?”

“The band,” Zayn clarifies, “I don’t regret leaving the band. But you –”

She looks up at the sky, at the stars twinkling above them and just breathes.

“I regret leaving you.”

Louis moves her hand to fiddle with a stray piece of thread hanging from the rip in Zayn’s jeans. She bites at her bottom lip as she twists the thread around her forefinger. Their skin is barely touching, just a hair's width apart until Zayn reaches over and places her hand over Louis’. Her fingers relax almost instantly, the palm of her hand gently resting on Zayn’s knee.

When Louis looks up, her eyes are maybe too bright, but neither of them say a word. She holds her breath, as Zayn just nods in confirmation of what she just said.

It’s like something breaks then. Something shifts and the stars align. They sit there, together; Zayn with her feet dropped down into the water and Louis, with hers tucked under her crossed legs. Her knees are touching Zayn’s thigh and their hands are back down on the ground, millimeters apart.

It’s everything, she thinks, as she sits with her hand so close to Louis’. The fact that they’re here and they’re together – something she thought she’d never get again. Not after everything.

And as she looks up, she stares into the eyes that remind her of the scent of rain and warm summer nights. The glistening blue irises that are widening in surprise take Zayn back to those old days.

Toes dipped in freezing cold water, she leans back on her hands whilst tilting her head backwards and closing her eyes. There’s a smile blossoming on her face and she can feel the smile Louis’ pressing into her shoulder.

“I’m so happy,” she chokes out, blinking her eyes open to find them damp. “I’m so happy, Lou.”

“Me too, Z,” Louis breathes, looking up for a moment before pressing her forehead against Zayn’s temple. “I really, really am.”

There’s just the soft touch of lips against the corner of Zayn’s mouth and, for now, that’s enough. It’s more than enough.

+

_“and i could be enough, and we could be enough, and that would be enough”_


End file.
